09/24/2008 17:57:25

There is something here definitely. A spark of emotion and a good story depending on how you want to take it. First let me recommend a really good book called "Immediate Fiction" by John cleaver. It's about 200 pages or so, but he does a really good job of telling you exactly what you need to craft a good story. It's a pretty easy read and well worth it, most libraries should have the book. Or you could find it on Amazon for a few dollars.

I say try to make a goal and turn this into a ten page story. Just for the practice. There are a ton of different ways you could take this piece. I say try something different, like making Ash a guy who has some kind of special power. So he used it trying to do the right thing but ended up destory everything, so he is intent on wasting away. The girl who is trying to save him for some reason is always drawn to men who are in the process of destroying themselves. She sees a bit of her father in these kinds of men. She also feels a bit of her mother inside her as she tries to save these kinds of men whom she also falls in love with.

She finds both beauty and horror in the self destruction of these kinds of men. Now take it a step further, if Ash dies then he takes with him her ability to connect to reality. Her love for him has tied them together. The call of darkness to give in, is sweet. Temptation comes in the form of a ghost that only she can see, but it is very real. For example she'll wake up and the ghost will be sitting at the edge of her bed trying to push a cloak of darkness up further. If she wakes up and the darkness has swallowed her hands, she knows it will be the end. So she has to make Ash realize life is beautiful before that happens. Not only for her own sanity and soul, but because every one makes mistakes and she deep down wants a life with Ash and some kind of happiness in this crappy world.

That's the core story, then to make a surface you have them both traveling across a dessert or on the run from those who would enslave Ash to use his power or something. Anyway, just a thought. The real thing is to keep hammering away at it, and rewritting it. Good luck!

09/24/2008 17:54:16

There is something here definitely. A spark of emotion and a good story depending on how you want to take it. First let me recommend a really good book called "Immediate Fiction" by John cleaver. It's about 200 pages or so, but he does a really good job of telling you exactly what you need to craft a good story. It's a pretty easy read and well worth it, most libraries should have the book. Or you could find it on Amazon for a few dollars.

I say try to make a goal and turn this into a ten page story. Just for the practice. There are a ton of different ways you could take this piece. I say try something different, like making Ash a guy who has some kind of special power. So he used it trying to do the right thing but ended up destory everything, so he is intent on wasting away. The girl who is trying to save him for some reason is always drawn to men who are in the process of destroying themselves. She sees a bit of her father in these kinds of men. She also feels a bit of her mother inside her as she tries to save these kinds of men whom she also falls in love with.

She finds both beauty and horror in the self destruction of these kinds of men. Now take it a step further, if Ash dies then he takes with him her ability to connect to reality. Her love for him has tied them together. The call of darkness to give in, is sweet. Temptation comes in the form of a ghost that only she can see, but it is very real. For example she'll wake up and the ghost will be sitting at the edge of her bed trying to push a cloak of darkness up further. If she wakes up and the darkness has swallowed her hands, she knows it will be the end. So she has to make Ash realize life is beautiful before that happens. Not only for her own sanity and soul, but because every one makes mistakes and she deep down wants a life with Ash and some kind of happiness in this crappy world.

That's the core story, then to make a surface you have them both traveling across a dessert or on the run from those who would enslave Ash to use his power or something. Anyway, just a thought. The real thing is to keep hammering away at it, and rewritting it. Good luck!