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I don't know how much of this shit I can stand. Everything gets worse every day.. 
I feel like I'm lying to everyone except those I talk to online, and that doesn't help me. To get the help I need, I'll have to tell the people around me more than I do now.. But it's hard, especially now when I'm an adult. I find that hard to understand, if I need help the day before i turn 18, do I not the day after because I've become an adult?

I won't even try to describe the feelings that I feel, I can't, it's just a big mess..

That is exactly how I feel right now.. Everything is falling apart and I honestly considder to go to psychiatric care.. I just don't know how, don't know how to do it.. I can't tell my mon, no way I'll make her go through all of it again, and I don't know how to get in there, I've never been there as adult, but I know that I need help, and it's a matter of days until this throws me down to hell again, if no miracle appears on the way.. Which I doubt..
However, I've just sent a message to my psychologist and I hope he has some idea of what I'm gonna do about this.. Hope replies soon..

I don't know what to think or feel anymore, I just want this to be over with... I hate it, yesterday I didn't even got out of my bed, at least not until 6:00 pm.. Fuck it..
I have so much that I want to say, wnt to tell, but I don't have the courage to do so... And most important, I don't know whom to tell... I don't understand relationships between people in this society, and I don't have the courage to ask, 'cause I don't want people to think that I'm strange.. Is this really what life is about?

Seriously, don't know what to do..
Feel so lonely.
Don't know, who will ever understand me?
My feelings are so complicated, and I don't have/experience as much feelings as everyone else, instead those I do feel are so strong that it feels like I'm gonna die, just by feeling the feelings. I'm afraid of feelings, terrified.
Now, I don't have anyone to turn to like I had before, all the people who were employed for listening to me, to help me improve. Now I don't have anyone.
They didn't see it coming neither did I. Nobody knew how hard I'd fall when they discharged me.. I didn't what it, the (treatmenthome?) didn't want it, but the social services did it anyway. And now look what happend...
I do not understand, what was the point in rescue me in the first place when they don't finish what they started?

Fuck this>_<

I don't know, but that's about all I'm able too feel right now, hate, hate myself.. It's hard, and I'm having a hard period.. m, don't know. I'm confused.

That meeting went quite well, but not well at some points..
They don't want to help me more than they usually do. Thay won't give me another "support-person" (very hard word to translate to english)
so they are sending me to psychiatric care instead but if that won't work I'll get one more "support-person" ..
I didn't want to be in any more contact with them anymore after the latest times I've been there, but it seems like I don't have any choice now. All I wanted with that meeting was to get help, so I guess I'll just have to be grateful. It's just that I had decided not to be involved with psychiatric anymore, but I'll give it a try. Feel depressed right now, but my brother is here so I can't express those feelings until sunday.. Feels hard to keep it inside, but for now, I'll have to...

I really wish that I'd be able to show people how I feel,not hide behind this mask.. A mask that I don't show on purpose... I don't want to be alone, I'm afraind of being alone... Everytime I'll have to go home after school, I feel worried and so on because I'm afraid of what will happen when I sit alone at home... I don't dare to tell either, I don't want them to lock me in or something like that...
I feel a lot of things and I always think too much, I know that.. I wish I were somewhere else.
I feel pressure to do great, be perfect and not be weak..
I don't want to be weak, but I feel like I am... I believed that this was just a bad period and it would be better in time, but it doesn't seem to be like that...
Next week I have a meeting with the social services, which I'm very nervous about.. What if they don't want to give more help, or no help at all? What would I do? How would I live?

I'm so tired of sitting here, I don't know what I want to do either... I want more company than my cat... BUT I do not want to move back home again. If I can't stand them for a weekend, how would it be if I were there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but we are so different individuals. I'm used to live my own way, they have rules that I can't accept, if it was for more then a weekend.. 

My anxiety gets worse too, I thought that the worst part was over, but it keeps coming back.. Now I'm alone, -I don't feel safe alone. I have thoose parallel realitys, what if they are my real reality and that is where I should be? What if I can't go back there ever. I feel that I can't understand people in this one, then it's quite logical that the other one is the right one, huh?  I almost always missunderstand, and feel the wrong way, is it just that my brain is made for just-function-analytic? Or is the other reality the one were I belong? Why is it not okay to be different?

Finally back in my own home again... This "vacation"  home with the family wasn't such a good idea, I guess.. :/
As I said before, I got tired of them in like one day, I really don't want it to be like that, but I feel so everytime I've been there.. hm, it's just that, I feel like my mom is tired of me too, tired of me, because I can't act like I'm happy all the time, because she'll have to drive me back to my apartement 'cause I'm afraid of going by bus.. Tired of me, 'cause I can't hang around with people that I don't know for that many hours, 'cause I'm afraid to go shopping... Feels like my fears tear us apart.. I don't like that, and I don't want it to happen, but what can I do? I'm working very hard to get rid of those fears, every day, and I'm doing my very best..

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